Days 166-180 (5th-19th September)
This paragraph is something I wrote a few days ago as I first began making this post. I don't feel the same way now but I thought I'd leave it in to document the ups and downs of lockdown:
I know we're not technically in lockdown now, but I decided I would continue to document my lockdown until I go back to work. Life feels very different to how it did way back in March but I still feel like I'm in lockdown...imagine my surprise when #lockdown2 was trending on twitter last week! Hello! I'm still in lockdown 1! I actually don't know anyone else in my position, still furloughed 24 weeks later and at this point I really have no idea whether I will have a job to go back to once the scheme ends next month. I'm hoping for the best but all I've got going for me right now is faith that God's got my future in His hands and it's going to work out somehow. Sounds dramatic, but I just made the mistake of watching the news whilst I ate my lunch and, well, je regret. One of the main headlines was about the rocketing levels of unemployment particularly amongst 16-24 year olds so yeah, that made me feel super. I've been pretty jolly throughout the last 6 months, managing to find all the positives in being furloughed and making the most of my free time. But last week I finally hit a low, I had two days where it just felt so depressing to be at home with no purpose (there's only so much housework you can do). I ended up spending too much time on instagram, just feeling jealous of all the successful creatives I follow who seem to be making a living doing what they love. I felt like such a failure to be in this position. Being home is fine, there's always a book to read or a project to work on, but it's when you lose all motivation that it gets really difficult. Thinking of all the things I could be making or baking or studying just adds guilt and shame to the already negative feelings.
Yeah...so things have been a little bit tiresome recently but the good news is I do feel better now! Partly because I've spent time out of the house with family, partly because I heard from my employer and it looks like I probably will go back to work eventually, and partly because that's just the way moods work lol. Anyway, somehow two weeks went by and I was completely unaware, in my mind these past two weeks have merged together into one........................love that. It seems we have been propelled back into summer which is quite nice really, I am sat looking out the window at a blue cloudless sky and the sun is shining.
One thing I forgot to mention in my last update was that our house group finished reading through the book of Job! A very timely study over the past few months. I thought it deserved a mention.